Flashback

Last week I found myself in a scary place. I had avoided going there for nearly nine months. It wasn’t that this place was dangerous. I had avoided this place because I knew that going there would unearth carefully buried memories of when I had hyperemesis gravidarum.

As I walked into my ob’s office, I noticed the worn leather couch. When I was four months along, I shed overwhelming tears, leaning on my mother’s shoulder for support. I was miserable, scared, and far past the embarrassment one feels at showing such vulnerability in public.

As the receptionist asked for my insurance card, I recalled her annoyed voice on the phone when I called to speak with a nurse. I don’t know why I never see her smile, but she always conveyed her ‘suck it up, it’s just nausea’ voice on the phone.

As I was led into the examination room, I reminded myself to breathe. This is where I had a seizure when I was about seven months along. It’s was where I begged for options, for medicine that would make a difference, and where my on told me that some women choose to end their pregnancies because hyperemesis gravidarum is just that rough.

I’m glad I faced these memories, but it was not easy. And I know that what you are facing right now, my sisters in suffering, is not easy either. There is truly nothing I can do to make it better. I can tell you, however, having survived this terrible disease, that it will be okay. You can do this. It is not easy. It is not fun. It is a rotten, miserable existence. But you are not alone. And, thank the Lord, this will not last.

So right now, no matter how difficult the journey, no matter how demoralizing the reactions from those who cannot understand– keep going. Hold on. If you are like me, you can’t feel it, so just know it: the suffering is worth it. Why?

I posted a picture of my reason why below.